There had been a rape trial in progress in Memphis which had been getting a generous amount of media attention. The newspapers, radio and television had sensationalized every aspect of the trial. The defense attorneys had managed to vilify the victim, a pretty young girl about my age. Every negative fact that could be dug up about the victim was being spread all over the media while the suspect was being deified. I thought it was outrageous that the poor girl had to go through such an ordeal in order to attempt to get justice that she most likely was not going to get. It was this trial that made me realize that I couldn't go to the police or press charges over what had happened to me.
The morning after my own ordeal I slept late and when I finally did go into the living room, my Mother commented: "What a nice boy that was that you went out with last night". Of course, my Mother had no idea what happened, and I never told her or anyone else for many years. I decided to keep it all a secret. I didn't want to talk about anything that happened. I just wanted to forget everything. But hearing my Mother say he was a nice boy really upset me.
I became very depressed, and I stayed in my room in bed most of the time. I went inward, questioning life and it's meaning, questioning my purpose in the cosmos. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to listen to my music and think. I became anti-social. My family began calling this "my vegetable period".
I was supposed to meet the older guy, John, whom I had been seeing. I stood him up, never calling him or meeting him. I just dropped him and other guys who I had been dating. There were no more men in my life.
And so, for several months, I stayed in my room, not talking to anyone, not socializing, not going out and seeing others. It was my Greta Garbo moment. I stared at the ceiling, wondering about the meaning of life. Were we all just puppets being controlled by a superior being? Did we have free will? Why was life so cruel for some people? Is there a God? Those were some of the questions that I thought about. I didn't come to any conclusions, I just pondered the questions.